I don't like it when someone talks about their diet and every stinkin' bite they are eating or not eating. In my mind, I am screaming, "who cares? NOoOoO one."
Today I'm that person because people have been asking me where I've been lately.
So, now you're gonna hear it. It's not a short story and it's not a nice story so if you can't take the heat get outta my kitchen.
I had to hit the Eat Less, Move More hard this year. Last year, for whatever reason, I gained weight. I could not make myself care. I couldn't resist food or fun. And boy howdy, did I have me some FuN. Chex party mix, beer, chocolate, wine, cheetos and chips, cookies, cheese, oh it was fun. And social. I mean really, don't those foods say party to you? I lurve me a partay!
It was a fun year but my clothes don't fit me. Even my fat jeans didn't fit me. I had to change my ways. Last year I bought new fat clothes for my Palm Springs and Hawaii trips. I couldn't very well go out and buy fatter than fat clothes for my upcoming vacation now, could I?
I am using basic arithmetic to shed some weight. Each pound has 3,500 calories. I need to cut back 3,500 calories to lose a pound. Sounds simple, doesn't it? I am using two apps to calculate this basic arithmetic, my fitbit app and the fitness pal app. One counts my steps and one counts my calories. The apps are synced. I get a weekly summary from fitbit and it tells me exactly how many calories were deficit for the week. I want to lose two pounds a week so I have to have -7,000 calories per week.
Blahh, blah, blah.
Simple arithmetic?
Hardly.
This is the new math, possibly common core math; whatever that is, and honestly, let's not talk about our core. I haven't seen my core in a very long time. This new math is hard. It's not just -7,000 calories per week. It is a menopausal woman in her mid fifties trying to lose weight. Nothing adds up with this math and very little subtracts. It's the hardest story problem of third grade. It's like taking calculus when you barely passed freshman algebra.
Not only have I given up bread and butter butt (pun intended) I have also given up weighing myself. I have weighed myself daily for many years. Probably since I was struggling over the story problems in third grade. If the scale went down I was happy, if the scale went up I was cranky. If I had a bucket of fun or a bucket of chicken and the scale didn't go up I thought I could do that everyday. Yeah, I know. I KNOW, OK? It doesn't work that way. This time I started my diet aka new math on January 5th so I only weigh on the 5th of each month. It takes every bit of self control to wait until the 5th to weigh. I'm leaving on vacation April 1st so I get to weigh early in April. I'm giddy. Of course, if I haven't lost, woe to my travel companions. CRANKY!
Now, back to those of you that asked where I've been. I've been on a DIET. I'm not on a cruise, not on a vacation, not anywhere fun. It is a full time job. I have to walk, a lot. That takes time.
I'm counting calories and planning my meals. That takes time. I am chopping vegetables instead of opening a bag of chips. That takes time.
But the real and gritty reason you haven't seen me. I'm antisocial when dieting. No, I can't meet you for a drink. Are you kidding me? A glass of wine is a very slippery slope. One sip and Skinny Chick is sitting on my shoulder telling me to eat the cheese tray, the deep fried mushrooms and the order of calamari, right after I order another glass of wine. She's my evil twin except she's a twig and she likes me fat. Skinny Chick is real and she's mean, and oh yes, Skinny Chick is fun. She gets in my head and tells me I'm skinny and that I may have whatever I want. She only comes out when a drink involved. Trust me when I tell you she can not be trusted.
If I meet you for coffee at Woods and the peach scones are back, I'm toast. If I go out for dinner it's hard to stay at 1200 calories per day. As one of my dieting friends says, who wants to meet for lemon water and broccoli? NO. ONE. It's not fun. It's better this way.
There will be fun again, there will be yummy recipes with butter on the blog again. But first I have to stay the course and gett'er done. There will be maintaining and moderation and I'll be fun and social again. I just lost my way last year.
It's safer this way because when I'm solving a Eat Less, Move More story problem I get hungry. And when I'm hungry I'm mean as a snake. I am crabby, cranky, and just no fun at all. Oh, I can go out once in a while. I do have to see people at work and in town but it's a lot of work to play nice right now. It's better for everyone if I stay on the down low. Really.
Still not convinced? Ask Saint Hubby how it's been here. Just don't let me hear you cuz THAT might make me mad. I don't like people talking about diets or about me. The struggle is real, my friends and I am HUNGRY. Don't press me.
Now, you know and aren't you sorry you asked?
End of subject. Forever.